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Relationships and Dating During College
by Rhonda Lesley, MA, LPC
NWMSU Personal Development and Counseling Services
Relationships rate high on the list of important priorities
for college students. Roommates,
friendships, family and dating relationships all play key roles in creating
what will become the memories of our college days gone by. Perhaps no relationship other than that with
our "self" matters more during our college years than the relationship with our
love interest.
For the traditional single student, developing a dating
relationship with another student brings excitement, novelty, companionship,
attention and the fulfillment of physical and emotional pleasure and love.
Additionally, although often not apparent until the relationship has progressed
beyond the romantic phase, dating relationships frequently create a significant
amount of stress and frustration, too.
Learning a few of the essentials for relating well in dating
relationships can go a long way to help you enjoy the benefits of positive
dating relationships.
Guidelines for
relating well:
Be Honest with Yourself and Your
Boyfriend/Girlfriend
In dating relationships and life in general, honesty is the
best policy. Not that you need to tell ‘everything' on the first date or even within the
first few weeks or months of a relationship, but it is important initially that
you reveal your true values to your boyfriend/girlfriend rather than presenting
as someone you would like to be.
Master the Rules for Effective
Communication in Relationships
According to over 38 years of scientific research on
relationships, Drs. John and Julie Gottman report that the following behaviors
often spell disaster in relationships and lead to couples feeling more distant
rather than emotionally close:
Criticism
Criticism
occurs when you criticize a loved one's character. Criticisms are often global statements that send a message to your loved one that he or
she is somehow irreparably flawed or hopeless.
Statements like:
"You're always so irresponsible,"
or "I can't believe what a slob you are, you never look decent" are examples of
criticism. It is possible to avoid being
critical and still get your point across
that you want your loved one to behave differently.
Instead of
criticizing, try a more gentle approach by stating your complaint specifically;
describe how you feel or what you experience,
and then talk about what you need by describing it objectively without personality/character judgments:
"I get upset and hurt when you say
you'll call me by 6:00 but often don't
call until 7:30;
I want/need you call when you say you will..." or
"I've asked you several times to wear something
nice when we go out to dinner with my parents; it's important to me that you at
least wear nice jeans and a pressed shirt when we are with my parents."
Also, avoid
words like "always" and "never" when describing your loved one's behaviors.
Contempt
Contempt is
taking a position of moral superiority and disrespect. Examples of contempt include:
"You know, you're an idiot. I
learned proper sentence structure in the fourth grade."
"Your room makes a pig sty look appealing.
(eye-roll) You could take a lesson on neatness from me."
"Oh please...could you be any more pathetic?"
Another
form of being contemptuous is laughing at or mocking someone who is trying to be serious or reasonable. Contempt can even be a gesture or facial
expression, such as rolling your eyes while someone is sharing
their thoughts and feelings with you.
Instead of
being contemptuous, build a "climate of praise and appreciation" for your loved
one. This takes
work and patience, but once you have experienced a relationship built on mutual appreciation and respect, you will not want
the alternative.
Defensiveness
Defensiveness
occurs when we automatically assume we are blameless when communication problems
occur. If you immediately become
defensive at the suggestion that you played a role in
part of the communication problem, this can create
difficulty in developing emotional intimacy and trust. Owning part of the problem and searching for
middle ground and compromise are the ways to a more
satisfying relationship.
Stonewalling
Stonewalling
entails shutting down emotionally/mentally and tuning out. Usually people who are stonewalling
are feeling emotionally flooded/overwhelmed and are unable to process their
thoughts and emotions during a disagreement with
their loved one. The way to overcome or avoid stonewalling is to learn to keep
yourself calm and "self-soothed" during intense conversations. Self-soothing and calming includes slow, deep relaxed breathing, muscle relaxation,
and rehearsing calming/quieting thoughts. Stonewallers are not dismissed from a
conflict, they are just pausing briefly in order to calm themselves
down before resuming communication and looking for a more effective solution/compromise.
Other Helpful Tips:
Avoid
Drinking or Using Drugs
Alcohol and
drugs only complicate relationships. Find
healthier ways to cope, such as exercise, journaling or talking with a counselor about
what is troubling you. If you drink
socially, set a reasonable limit and stick to it.
Keep
Your Friendships Intact
It is
common for students involved in dating to focus most of their attention on
their romantic interest while allowing friendships to fade to the
background. Doing so will leave you
vulnerable to not having the support
you need should the relationship end or should there be a time when your girlfriend/boyfriend
is out of town or unavailable for an
extended period of time. Remember, too,
that your single
or non-dating friends want and need your continued support and friendship
whether or not you are
separately involved in a romantic relationship.
Allow for time apart from your
loved one, and enjoy the
friendships you've always had. Spending
time apart is needed in any relationship, and often the time
apart makes the time together even more rewarding.
Talk
to a Trusted Peer, Family Member or Counselor During Stressful and Challenging
Times
Friends,
family members and counselors can help you share the burden of uncomfortable emotions during a
difficult phase of your relationship.
Everyone needs a well-maintained safety net throughout the
lifespan!
Stay
Well!
Keeping
yourself physically and emotionally well is an important priority, especially while you are involved in a dating relationship. Being at your best will enhance just about anything you do in life, including
your dating experiences. A state of
general wellness makes us more resilient and happier, even in
times of significant difficulty. Eat
well-balanced meals, get plenty of fresh air and exercise, practice
relaxation, get 7-9 hours sleep each night, find meaningful activities to be
involved in, stay socially
active, and laugh often!
Get help for your relationship at NWMSU:
Rhonda Lesley, MA, LPC, is a Certified Gottman Relationship
Therapist, which is a form of therapy based on over 39 years of
research revealing what makes relationships work. Rhonda
helps couples of all ages, and at all stages of their relationship,
navigate a variety of challenges to create a more satisfying relationship. If you or your partner is a NWMSU student and
you are struggling or would like to fine-tune or strengthen your relationship,
schedule an intake appointment with Rhonda, by calling the Personal Development
and Counseling Center at (660) 562-1348, or e-mail: rlesley@nwmissouri.edu
